Three Years
by MaadHaater
Summary: Because sometimes, three years still wasn't enough for Luffy to get over the pain, guilt and regret from his brother's death, but sometimes, knowing his nakama love and care for him is enough.


"They're all in the kitchen and the sound of laughter and boisterous shouting fills the room. Suddenly, Usopp stops, a small frown on his face when he realises his best friend isn't where he should be. He isn't sitting next to him howling with laughter, and he isn't snatching food from everyone's plates.

"Where's Luffy?" Usopp wonders out loud, causing everyone to stop in their sentences and glance around, as if just realising their captain wasn't there. But of course, Usopp knows better than to think that.

"No wonder it was so peaceful." Nami comments, although it is obvious in her eyes that she's somewhat .concerned

"Usually he's the first one in here." Sanji mutters, lighting his cigarette.

"I saw Luffy earlier and he was not looking so super!" Franky adds.

Robin is calm and she smiles gently. "I saw Captain-san on his special seat earlier and he told me he wasn't hungry."

Now that's what starts the panic. Chopper leaps up from his chair, eyes wide and worried. "He's sick! He needs a doctor!"

"You're a doctor." Everyone yells back, making the little reindeer drop and swing his butt. "Calling me that doesn't make me happy you assholes." He coos, clasping his hooves while everyone sweat drops.

"Oi, Ero-Cook." The green haired swordsman had been silent up until that point and where Sanji would usually pick a fight for the nickname he only nods in agreement.

"I feel it too."

"Feel what?" Usopp panics, not feeling anything out of the ordinary.

Zoro and Sanji can't find the right words to exactly describe the feeling. They suspect it is because of their haki that they can sense it when the others can't. It is a heavily deep and angry feeling that washes over them however the underlaying sadness contradicts the fiery anger. Although it is immeasurable and something neither of them have ever experienced before, they find that they are not on edge. It makes them wary, of course, but it does not feel threatening.

"What is it?" Nami repeats Usopp's question and the crew look expectantly at the two.

"It's Luffy." Zoro concludes, finally placing the familiar warmth mixed in with the feeling. That sort of strong determination could only come from his captain and he would know it anywhere.

"Luffy-san?" Brook stands on his long bony legs and joins the others as they rush to the door.

They quietly come out of the kitchen and onto the deck, searching for their usually wild and loud captain.

"There!" Chopper declares, pointing a hoof to Sunny's head, Luffy's special seat.

Usopp is about to call out to him but Zoro pins him with a look and shakes his head, causing the sharpshooter to gulp and fall silent. The crew watches their captain.

He has his back to them and he is standing, the wind blowing through his cardigan and hair. One hand is holding his signature straw hat to his head and the other is placed on his chest. They can only imagine it pressed firmly to the large x-shaped scar on his chest. That scar only brings memories of a time when they were all separated and when Luffy is as silent as he is, he can only be thinking about one thing.

"What day is it today?" Sanji directs the question to no one in particular but Nami is the one who answers. When she says the date all becomes clear and they all come to the same conclusion all at once.

"Dammit, how could we have forgotten?" Usopp tugs his hair in irritation towards himself and the crew all feel much the same way.

"Maybe we should leave him alone for now?" Franky is skeptical about his own words and from his tone it is obvious he doesn't want to leave his captain to wallow in his own misery.

"I do not think Captain-san wants to be alone. I think he would like some company." Robin states, knowing that whenever she had her days when the past was all too bold, she relished in her nakama's company and comfort.

Luffy was never a guy who liked to be alone and being alone could only bring back painful memories.

The crew quietly walks closer to the front of the ship, stopping at the helm and looking up at the man they all followed. This was the man who would do anything and everything for them and they felt exactly the same way.

"Luffy." Zoro's voice is calm and it must have broken whatever trance his captain had sunken into for he jolts in surprise and spins around, almost tripping over his own feet.

They know something is wrong then, because although Luffy is a rubber brained idiot and does not know the meaning of the words gentle or graceful for that matter, he never, ever stumbles in his path. Literally and figruatively.

"Zoro?" Luffy's unusually hushed voice is almost lost in the wind but they all hear it loud and clear like he's right next to them whispering in their ears and the slight break in the middle of his first-mate's name tears at all their hearts.

"I'm here Captain." Zoro answers, taking a cautious leap onto Sunny's head and taking his friend by the shoulders, helping him down onto the deck.

It is when he is close and they can tell that the liquid on his face is definitely not saltwater from the sea that they realise, despite how old and carefree and strong their captain seemed, he was still only a teen who had lost his brother.

And here, standing in front of them, Luffy looked so terribly young and small and fragile, even though they knew what a monster he could be. They knew he could tear down buildings and defeat enemies ten times as strong as himself, but all they wanted to do was wrap their arms around his thin frame and hug him so tight that all his broken pieces fit right back together. They watch him with worried eyes and Zoro keeps a firm grip around the hunched shoulders of the man he respects the most.

All they want is to see a smile on his face again and hear him laugh out loud and never worry about anything ever again.

"Luffy? Are you okay?" Usopp ventures, placing a hand gently on Chopper's head when he hears the young doctor sniffle lowly.

Tired, bloodshot eyes stare back at them and Luffy tries to smile, he really does but it falls just as quick and all it does is hurt their hearts even more.

"I'm fine, everyone." He is lying, and it is so blatantly obvious that it makes them want to yell and scream and tear at their hair because _why doesn't he trust them enough to let them in?_ Why does he insist on lying and pretending when it looks like he is about to break down at any second?

"Sanji scoffs, flicking his cigarette off the edge of the ship. Usually one of his nakama would've reprimanded him for that but now wasn't the time. "Don't lie, shitty Captain." He cusses, and there is no anger in his voice although he would deny it if anyone ever claimed he was worried.

Luffy grits he teeth into a short, harsh smile and it looks so unnatural on his face that it makes all his nakama just want to cry because he is shouldering all the pain and hurt all by himself and surely it is starting to chip away at him. It makes them want to cry out their withheld apologies and none of them can speak because they know if they open their mouths all the sorrys and regrets will just pour out and they won't do that to their captain because they know that's not what he wants to hear.

"I'm not lying." Luffy replies, avoiding their eyes.

Zoro wants to hit the boy over the head and yell at him, because it is so obvious that he is lying that it hurts his pride as first-mate that his captain thinks he'll believe such halfhearted words. He can feel the slight tremble under his arm and the shiver beneath his fingers as he grips the boy's shoulder and he knows it is not because of the sudden chill in the air.

"It's okay to cry, Luffy-San." Brook tells him hesitantly, he isn't sure what his captain's reaction will be but he doesn't expect the forced grin that looks nothing at all like the cheerful smiles that he loves.

"Why would I cry Brook? There's nothing to cry about. I have my nakama and-"

Luffy is cut off by a sharp blow to the back of his head and he stumbles forward, turning back to stare at his swordsman with wide eyes. He never expected Zoro to raise a hand to him and Zoro tries not to look into the betrayed eyes that he knows are trained on him.

"Zoro!" Nami cries out, falling silent when Sanji gently touches her arm and the cook doesn't even say anything when Zoro shoots her a glare.

"Zoro?" Luffy's voice is torn between confused and angry and Zoro finally meets his captain's eyes.

"Stop lying to yourself Luffy." He tells his captain. He does not spare any words because he knows his captain is strong and he knows he wouldn't appreciate him treading on eggshells around him. "It's okay to be sad and angry."

"It's okay to not be okay sometimes Luffy." Nami pipes up, offering the boy a soft reassuring smile when his eyes snap to hers.

"Let us help you, Luffy-San." Brook does not crack any jokes and his tone is sincere because he knows the pain of loosing people you love and the fear of being alone.

"Tell us what's wrong Luffy-bro." Franky's voice is uncharacteristically gentle and all the huge cyborg wants to do is wrap his captain in a _super_ hug.

"Yeah Luffy!" Chopper exclaims, trying desperately not to feel mad at himself because he was a _doctor dammit_. He was supposed to know how to cure his nakama and relieve their pain but he had no idea how to help his captain when it was his heart that was hurting.

"C'mon Luffy, you can tell us!" Usopp encourages. Usopp knows he's a coward and that he's the first to run away from a fight but what he also knows is that he would do anything to see his captain with a smile again, even if it meant fighting a huge unbeatable monster- because that's what Luffy did for them all the time, wasn't it?

And Robin and Sanji don't say anything, but they know their captain understands, he always does. Even if at first he's dense and stupid and does reckless things, he always does.

"Luffy looks at his nakama and suddenly he understands, he understands what their feeling because if any one of them were feeling as bad as he was, he wouldn't hesitate to move heaven and earth for them or even fight God again because well- they were his nakama and he loved them.

But as true as that was, he was the captain and he was supposed to be strong dammit- he wasn't supposed to be weak. He didn't want his nakama to see even a glimpse of how he was like after Ace's death because that Luffy- that Luffy who was on the brink of insanity- that Luffy who gave up his dream- that Luffy _wasn't their captain_. And as he stared at their expectant faces, all he wanted to do was pour his heart out to them but he wouldn't, he couldn't do that because he didn't need to burden them with his pain. The captain was the one supposed to shoulder his crew's pain, not the other way around.

And Luffy knew that he didn't deserve them, even though he had fought for every single one of them, he knew that he didn't deserve their love because if they ended up like Ace did, he'd never forgive himself. They were too good for him.

But even as these thoughts crossed his mind he couldn't help but drown in the endless pools off devotion and love and worry in every single one of their eyes and forget all of his doubts. Because for the moment, they were his, and for just that moment, maybe it would be alright for him to feel loved.

He felt himself drop to his knees, he felt the hard, familiar wood pressing against his skin and he almost wanted to laugh because he had almost forgotten about Sunny, he had Sunny too. He brought a hand to his chest and he wasn't certain if he was imagining things but he could feel it stinging and burning him, as if trying to make him relive that terrible day. He wouldn't let it drag him back down, if anything, it was there to remind him to get stronger and stronger so he never had to watch anyone die ever again.

The crew watched, worry evident in their eyes as their strong, seemingly unbreakable captain fell to his knees. They watched him bring a hand to his chest and squeeze his eyes shut, trying to vainly keep the tears at bay. It didn't work.

"It hurts." He mumbled, soft at first, his voice trembling.

They felt their hearts break a little more.

"It hurts and hurts and it doesn't stop. It's been three years now and I try not to let it get to me but I can't help it because-" his voice break and he sobs, opening his eyes and letting his crew see just how much pain he's in.

"-because he was my _brother_ , you know?" He curls his arms against his chest and shakes like a leaf in the wind and his fists clench as if they can protect him from the world's hatred. "And A-Ace sacrificed his life for mine and h-he was _happy_ about it." Luffy chokes on his words and clenches his jaw, pressing his palm to his forehead.

None of the crew had heard this piece of information, all they had heard during their separation was that Luffy went to Marineford to save Ace who ended up dying anyway. Somehow though, knowing this made it all the worse because it gave them more of a scope of the self-loathing Luffy felt. And even though they felt terrible for the next thought- and they would probably all go to hell- but they couldn't help but thank whatever God was out there that Luffy wasn't the one who died. And they owed _everything_ to Ace, because he saved their captain and they would be forever grateful./span/p

And surprisingly, it is Zoro- calm and stoic Zoro who moves first and pulls his captain into his arms. After that, no one remembers who piles on next but eventually they're all in a huge group hug, huddling around their broken captain on the ground.

And although no one knows where their limbs end and the other's begins, they all can feel their captain, because he is the gravity that pulls them all in, and they couldn't separate from him if they wanted to. And they don't.

They can feel his hiccups vibrate through them and his sobs show no sign of letting up and they are completely okay with that because if all it takes is a long hug from his crew, then by all means, that's what they'll give him.

"Y-you know they killed Ace just because he was Gol. D Roger's son? They didn't care that he hated his father or that he'd never even met him, he was hated just because of that." Luffy tells them, gripping onto all of his nakama and burying his face into whoever's shoulder was next to him. His nakama are silent, although he can feel the unspoken understanding. "And they will keep trying to kill me, all because my dad is Dragon."

And then the understanding he felt wasn't so subdued anymore, somewhere during that sentence it had turned into a protective fury as id they were just daring anyone to try and kill him. His nakama were practically radiating anger and he wondered where it had all come from. Then he heard it, it was silent and barely audible but he heard it srong in each of his nakama's voices. _We won't let them!_

"I miss him. Will it ever stop?" Luffy's voice is quiet and although he didn't specify what he was referring to, they knew. He was talking about the pain, the hurt and the suffering of being all alone and missing someone who you loved so much you thought you might burst and knowing they would _never ever_ come back.

"No." Zoro clutched his captain tighter to his chest and felt the tears roll down his neck and wet his shirt. Roronoa Zoro was definitely not known for hugs and letting people cry onto his shoulder, if anyone tried to do so he'd probably break their face. He supposed his captain was just an exception. "No it won't stop, you just have to find people who love you and surround yourself with them."

Luffy stopped crying and they heard a low, almost inaudible laugh and they almost thought they imagined it when they heard it again. "Shishishishishi, I think I already have."

And that's all it took for their hearts to start beating again and that laugh, even though it was soft and not even a fraction of the one that they knew and loved, they could listen to it over and over again because it was a million times better than hearing their captain cry.

 _Of course you have, Captain_

Because hearing their captain cry and talk about a time when they were all separated and not there for him, not there to back him up or to help him save his brother, made an unwelcome wave of guilt wash over them. And it may have been for their own selfish reasons that they wanted Luffy to be happy- so that they didn't feel the guilt and they didn't have to remember how they failed their captain- but they also knew that they deserved every second of the guilt and anguish that came with each one of their captain's sobs. Because his cries wracked their hearts in ways that made them wonder if torture would be better, and knowing that they deserved every second of it made it all the worse.

And if they stayed huddled on the ground for the rest of the night, or if Sanji quietly left to make dinner and gave slightly more meat to his captain, or if Zoro was more touchy-feely, or if Chopper clung to his captan like there was no tomorrow, no one was going to mention it the next day.

And if all of their hearts welled up and tears came to their eyes when their captain hugged them tighter and pulled them closer and said, "Brook, play me a song?", no one was going to mention it.


End file.
